Project H and the Prisoner of Azkaban
by Project H
Summary: A parody of the third Harry Potter film


**Project H and the Prisoner of Azkaban**

By Panicattack

*The Dursley's*

Harry: Wow, what a night! Nothing beats playing with the old wand in the bed at midnight

Vernon: Look sharp, Harry. My sister Marge is coming

Harry: Uncle Vernon, would you be able to sign this school form. It allows me trips to Hogsmeade village, and I know how much you love me having fun

Vernon: Maybe later, if you behave yourself around Marge

Harry: That shouldn't be a problem

Marge: Harry, you are a horrible nuisance of a boy!

Harry: *Thinking* It's OK, you can handle it. Think of Hogsmeade

Marge: Your father was an unemployed drunk!

Harry: *Thinking* Don't worry about it, she doesn't really mean it

Marge: Your mother was a bitch!

Harry: *Thinking* Think of Hogsmeade. Think of Hogsmeade

Marge: By the way Petunia, those drapes are horrible!

Harry: SHUT UP! THE DRAPES ARE FANTASTIC! THEY'RE THE PERFECT LENGTH, THEIR PATTERN IS MODERN AND FUNKY AND THEY DON'T CLASH WITH THE WALLPAPER!

Marge: Yes! I've hit a nerve. Now see here boy…*blows up and floats out window*

Vernon: How dare you! She never did anything to you!

Harry: She deserved what she got. Now I'm gonna make like a tree and split….or something along those lines

***

*The streets*

Harry: Hmm, where should I go? The multi-complex shopping centre down the road with food, drink and bathrooms or this creepy playground. Well I don't feel like going all the way down the road, so I'll sit near the playground.

Dog: Grrr

Harry: Argh! Who'd have thought a creepy playground would have something scary in it!

*Knight bus appears for no apparent reason*

Harry: Hmm, rather than ask any questions, I'll just get straight on

Shrunken Head: Hey, dig the wheel Ernie!

Harry: LET ME OFF!

Stan: Wait, you need to hear about Sirius Black

Harry: Who?

Sirius: Sirius Black. He's a murderer, got himself locked up in Azkaban. But then he escaped, and no one knows how. He was a big supporter of You-Know-You. Reckon you've heard of him?

Harry: You don't know who I am, do you?

***

*The Leaky Cauldron*

Fudge: Harry, welcome to my 'Leaky Cauldron' office

Harry: Why do you have an office in a pub?

Fudge: I'm an alcoholic. Now Harry, you performed some illegal magic on your aunt today in front of no less than 3 muggles. Normally we'd expel you for something like that, but it's tradition that we don't expel students that are the targets of mass-murderers. So you're off the hook

Harry: Cool….what's that about a mass-murderer?

Fudge: Oh, did I say mass-murderer? I meant……maths-burner. Now, Tom will take you to your room

Tom: This way, Mr Potter

Harry: I remember you; I met you before I started my first year. But back then you looked like a normal person, what happened?

Tom: They botched my plastic surgery

Harry: Then why do you talk like a weirdo?

Tom: They also botched my brain surgery

***

*The Leaky Cauldron…..another section*

Ron: Hermione, I don't see why we should split the bill, I only had a sandwich

Harry: Hi guys

Ron: Harry!

Hermione: Harry!

Ron: Guess what, Harry? My family went to Egypt, even Scabbers enjoyed it

Harry: Sounds like fun

Ron: Even Scabbers enjoyed it

Hermione: You said that

Ron: Scabbers!

Harry: What's so important about Scabbers?

Ron: I don't know, I just get the feeling he'll be important later in the year

Harry: Fair enough

Mr Weasley: Guess what, Harry? You're in terrible life-threatening danger!

Harry: Again?

Mr Weasley: Yep. But its not from Voldemort, it's from Sirius Black. Oh, and don't go looking for Black no matter what kind of terrible secrets you learn about him

Harry: Erm……OK

***

*On the train*

Mrs Weasley: Ron! Don't forget Scabbers, he may be important later on in the year!

Hermione: C'mon, let's share a compartment with this mysterious stranger

Ron: Why?

Hermione: I don't know, I have a feeling he may be important later in the year

Harry: Will you guys cut it out already

Dementor: Anything off the trolley, dears?

Harry: *Faints*

Ron and Hermione: *Don't*

Stranger/Lupin: *Attacks dementor*

Ron and Hermione: *Don't*

Harry: *Hears screaming*

Ron and Hermione: *Don't*

Harry: *Wakes up*

Ron and Hermione: *Don- Well you get the idea*

Lupin: *Gives everyone chocolate* Here, eat this, it helps

Harry: What was that?

Lupin: It was a dementor. They guard the wizard prison Azkaban and work part-time as train-conductors. They were looking for Sirius Black and stamping everyone's tickets. Now if you'll excuse me I need to have a little chat with the driver *leaves*

Harry: Did either of you hear a woman screaming?

Hermione: No one was screaming Harry. Except for me, Ron, Lupin, the dementor, Neville, Ginny, Seamus, Dean, Lavender, Malfoy, Dumbledore, Hagrid, the trolley lady and your dead mother

Harry: Hmm, I must have imagined it then

Lupin: *Notices kids aren't eating* I didn't poison that chocolate you know

*Kids eat chocolate*

Lupin: Oh, wait…….yes I did

*Kids spit out chocolate*

***

*In the Great Hall*

Choir: _Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb. And baby you can turn me on!_

Dumbledore: Thank you to the 'Hogwarts Rhythm and Blues ensemble'. I would like you all to welcome Professor Lupin, our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. Now I haven't told him the job is cursed, so I don't want anyone to go blabbing about it or he may quit. Secondly, despite having no teaching credentials, Hagrid has been appointed new Care of Magical Creatures teacher. One last thing, the dementors are going to be guarding the perimeters of Hogwarts this year. But don't worry; I'm sure they won't attack students in the middle of a quidditch game or anything like that. Oh but Harry, a lot of weird crap normally happens to you so keep a look out

***

*Divination*

Trelawney: *TALKING CRAZY! TALKING CRAZY! TALKING CRAZY!*

Hermione: What a load of rubbish!

Ron: I agree. On an unrelated topic, when did you get here?

Trelawney: Your aura is pulsing dear!

Ron: Leave me alone! It's a normal teenage thing! It's only because Hermione's here!

Trelawney: Um, are we still talking about your aura?

Ron: Aura?

Trelawney: Give me the damn cup!

Ron: *Gives cup to Trelawney*

Trelawney: Aargh!

Harry: What is it?

Trelawney: That cup is really hot! Be careful!

Ron: Sorry

Trelawney: Now let's look at this cup…………aargh!

Harry: Burn yourself again?

Trelawney: You're going to die!

Harry: Yeah, I get that a lot

***

*Care of Magical Creatures*

Ron: So, taking two classes at once, how's that working out?

Hermione: Fine……..I mean, no I'm not

Hagrid: You're supposed to stroke it

Harry: Erm, is this the right class?

Hermione: He's talking about the book

Harry: Oh thank goodness!

Ron: Hagrid, exactly what is that?

Hagrid: That's a duck, Ron. Look behind it

Ron: Oh, right

Hagrid: Now, who'd like to ride Buckbeak?

*No one offers*

Hagrid: Harry, you're used to weird crap, you have a try

Harry: *Rides Buckbeak*

Malfoy: Me next!

Hagrid: Malfoy! Get back!

Malfoy: *Gets attacked by duck* OW!

***

*Defence Against the Dark Arts*

Lupin: Can anyone tell me what's in this cabinet?

Dean: It's a boggart. We had a peak while you were in the toilet

Lupin: Hmm, that's strange, Hermione didn't answer a question. Moving on, who can tell me what a boggart looks like?

Hermione: No one knows

Lupin: Are there we go, I was worried other students were actually going to get smart as well

Hermione: Boggarts take the shape of whatever we fear the most

Lupin: Correct, now to set the scene I'll play some Big Band music while each of us fights scary stuff. Sound fun? Good. What scares you, Mr Longbottom?

Neville: Professor Snape

Lupin: And what else?

Neville: My gran

Lupin: OK, well I want you to picture her clothes….at the foot of my bed! Ha! Ron, step forward

Ron: *Turns boggart into spider with roller blades*

Lupin: *Sarcastically* Yeah Ron, that's hilarious

Parvati: *Turns boggart into a scary clown*

Lupin: OH MY GOD YOU STUPID GIRL! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

Harry: *Steps forward*

Boggart: *Turns into Dementor*

Lupin: *Steps in front of boggart*

Boggart: *Turns into moon*

Ron: D'you think that'll be important later in the year?

Hermione: Doubt it

Lupin: *Sends boggart back into cabinet* OK, that was a useless lesson, we'll leave it at that. Class dismissed

Class: Aww, we want to be confronted by our darkest fears too

Lupin: Never mind, have some chocolate

***

*Newly-built bridge*

Lupin: I bet you're wondering why I didn't let you tackle that boggart

Harry: Oh you didn't? I didn't notice

Lupin: It's because I thought it would turn into Lord Voldemort

Harry: Um, but you saw it turn into a dementor before you tried to stop it

Lupin: Yeah…….have some chocolate

***

*Defence Against the Dark Arts*

Snape: *Closing the curtains* Quiet class, since this is Defense Against the _Dark _Arts, I'm gonna teach it in the dark

Harry: Sir, where's Professor Lupin?

Snape: Oh, just wolfing around. Turn to page 394

Ron: Werewolves?

Snape: Yes, now until Professor LUPIN comes back we're going to study WEREWOLVES. On an unrelated note, tonight is a FULL MOON. LUPIN WEREWOLVES MOON. You got that?

Ron: What a bizarre lesson

Snape: WEREWOLF LUPIN! Now I want everyone to write me a two-page essay of WEREWOLVES with particular emphasis on how to recognize if your teacher is one. I want this WEREWOLF essay handed in to LUPIN by the next FULL MOON

***

*Quidditch*

Umbrella: My parents said I'd never amount to anything, but look at me now. I'm totally the first umbrella to compete in a quidditch game!

Harry: Geez the weather's shocking today; I just hope no ill omens show up

*Grim shows up*

Harry: Damn! Oh well, as long as no dementors show up

*Dementors show up*

Harry: Dementors! Oh my gosh! I'm so shocked I think I'll fall off my broom! *Falls off broom*

Dumbledore: Oh no you don't *saves Harry*

***

*In the hospital*

Harry: If Dumbledore saved me, why did I have to go to the hospital?

Ron: Bad news Harry, your broom flew into the Whomping Willow and it got whomped

Whomping Willow: The wood from that broom came from my uncle, Aspertame Willow

Harry: Aspertame? Doesn't anyone in the wizarding world have a normal name?

Ron: What's wrong with my name?

Fred and George: And our names?

Neville: Neville is a fairly common name

Harry: OK I-

Seamus: Seamus is very popular in Ireland

Dean: There are heaps of people named Dean

Mrs Weasley: What's wrong with Molly?

Mr Weasley: Or Arthur?

Harry: Yeah I-

Voldemort: Tom is a normal name

Moody: So is Alastor

Harry: I only meant…..who are you?

Moody: Oh, you haven't met me yet *runs off*

Harry:…

***

*The Grounds*

Lupin: Sorry to hear about your broom, would you like some chocolate?

Harry: No thanks, I was wondering if you would be able to train me to fight dementors

Lupin: Sounds like a plan. But in a few weeks, at the moment I need to rest….and eat chocolate

Harry: What is it with you and chocolate?

Lupin: My mother was a chocolate bar

Harry:…

***

*The Fat Lady's portrait is slashed*

Dumbledore: Dear lady, who did this to you?

Fat Lady: Sirius Black, he called me fat so I ran away and hid behind this hippo. He then slashed my portrait

Dumbledore: But we all call you fat

Fat Lady: *Cries and runs away*

Dumbledore: Oh well, that's no reason to cancel our annual Hogwarts slumber party. Every get in your pyjamas and meet me in the Great Hall!

***

*Sneaking through the grounds*

Harry: Invisibility, the solution to all my problems. Now off to Hogsmeade

Fred: Hold it, Harry

George: We've got something for you

Harry: Wow, a map. Shucks guys, this is the greatest gift a guy could ever get

Fred: Yeah, but this map is magic

George: Just like everything else in the wizard world

Fred: Have fun!

***

*Hogsmeade*

Hermione: Do you want to move closer?

Ron: Yeah *starts putting arms around Hermione*

Hermione: TO THE SHACK!

Ron: The shack? Oh no, I'm fine here. Now gimme some sugar!

Malfoy: Well well, you two shopping for your new dream home?

Ron: Shut up, Malfoy!

Malfoy: Ooh, not very nice. Boys, I think its time we teach Weasel-bee, how to respect his superiors

Hermione: I hope you don't mean yourselves

Malfoy: How dare you talk to me like that, you filthy little mudblood!

Hermione: Didn't you say that last year?

Malfoy: Yeah, but we're short on material, so we're just going to use some of last year's best lines

Harry: *Walks in* Guys, there's a basilisk loose in the school! *Walks out*

Malfoy: You see?

Ron and Hermione: Ah

Malfoy: Now where was I……ah yes, I was about to be hit by a snowball

*Snowball flies through air*

Malfoy: OUCH!

Harry: *Attacks Malfoy and thugs*

Malfoy and thugs: *Run away*

***

*The Three Broomsticks pub*

Fudge: Here's an idea, lets talk about the horrible, horrible past of Harry Potter

McGonagall: Sure. Don't tell Harry, but Sirius Black is actually his godfather and he's the one who sold out Lily and James to Voldemort

Rosmerta: Wow, that's horrible

McGonagall: Yep, that's why we must make sure Harry never finds out

Harry: *Runs off crying*

***

*The rock of misery*

Hermione: Harry, what happened?

Harry: *Crying* I stubbed my toe on this rock. Also, I just found out that Sirius Black is my godfather and he betrayed my parents

Ron: Black's your godfather? That reminds me of a movie I saw once

Hermione: The Godfather?

Ron: Toy Story 2

Hermione and Harry:…

***

*Lupin's office*

Lupin: OK Harry, the spell I'm going to teach you is the Patronus charm. You need to think of a very happy memory to make it work. Let's give it a go

*Dementor/boggart comes out of trunk*

Harry: Expecto patronum! Expe- *collapses*

Lupin: Here, eat some chocolate. You need to think of a stronger memory

Harry: There is another one. Only it's not…….happy……or a memory

Lupin: Sounds perfect *releases dementor/boggart*

Harry: EXPECTO PATRONUM! *Creates patronus*

Lupin: Marvelous. Let's assume that'll work on a real dementor and leave it at that. Have some chocolate

***

*The lake*

Ron: Scabbers is dead…..I guess this is the important thing he was going to do this year

Hermione: Must have been, let's just forget about him for the time being

Hagrid: Bad new guys, Buckbeak's been sentenced to death for attacking Malfoy

Harry: But Buckbeak didn't do anything wrong, it was the duck that attacked Malfoy

Hagrid: Yeah, I had a bad defence. Also, I told the jury Buckbeak did it so the duck could get off

Harry: Fair enough

***

*The Boys' Dormitory*

Harry: Sitting in bed, looking at a map and eating cookies. Yep, it doesn't get any better than this

Map: PETER PETTIGREW

Harry: How ironic that no one ever noticed this name until I learned that he is a pivotal part of my past *goes to investigate, minus the cloak*

Snape: LUPIN WEREWOLF LUPIN WEREWOLF

Lupin: Speak of the devil, here I am. What an odd coincidence that I show up at the exact time Harry was going to get in trouble. Here Snape, have some chocolate

***

*Lupin's office*

Lupin: I know exactly how this map works, yet you fail to ask me why

Harry: I've got other things on my mind, like that fact I just saw Peter Pettigrew on the map

Lupin: No way. That's crazy. Not possible. Crazy. Not possible. Crazy. Unheard of. Impossible. Crazy. Have some chocolate

***

*Divination*

Trelawney: Okey-dokey, who wants to make a prediction?

Hermione: Me, I'm good at all subjects.

Trelawney: Off you go, dear

Hermione: I see the grim

Trelawney: Nope, I am the only one able to foretell deaths. You're not very good at this subject

Ron and Harry: Ooh, that's not gonna sit well *duck under deck to avoid backlash*

Hermione: *Storms out*

Harry: Well, it could have been worse

Trelawney: TONIGHT THE DARK LORD SHALL RISE AGAIN! INNOCENT BLOOD WILL BE SPILT AND MASTER AND SERVANT SHALL BE REUNITED ONCE MORE!

Harry: I stand corrected

***

*Travelling to Hagrid's*

Malfoy: Greetings folks and welcome to the decapitation of a Hippogriff. I'm your play-by-play man, Draco Malfoy. Joining me in the box are Crabbe and this nameless guy who seems to have taken Goyle's place by my side. It really is a beautiful day, we couldn't have asked for better be-heading conditions

Hermione: You foul, loathsome, evil little cockroach!

Malfoy: Hey, that hurt my feelings. What did I ever do to you?

Hermione: *Kapow!*

Malfoy: *Starts to run off crying* Don't tell anyone about thi….hang on. There's three of us and only one of her. So that means….*gets out calculator and works out some equations*…..that we can beat her up!

*Malfoy and thugs beat up Hermione*

Malfoy: OK, she's had enough. Lets go *leaves*

Hermione: *Sobbing* Why didn't you guys help me?

Harry: No one likes a bully, Hermione *walks off*

***

*Hagrid's Hut*

Hagrid: Poor Buckbeak, why does such a horrible thing have to happen to him?

Harry: Because you told the jury he attacked Malfoy

Hagrid: Yeah……by the way Ron, I found your rat

Ron: Wow, maybe there's still something important he'll do this year

Hermione: I doubt it

Harry: *Gets hit with rock* Ouch!

Vase: *Gets hit with rock* Ouch!

Ron: Aargh! A talking vase!

Harry: Don't worry about that, the execution party is coming

Buckbeak: Did someone say party? I love parties

Harry: You won't after this

***

Harry: Quick, let's go to the top of this hill where we can't see what's going on at the execution

*Axe swings down*

Harry: Even though we couldn't see it, I think it's safe to assume that Buckbeak is dead

Hermione: *Cries on Ron's shoulder*

Ron: Gee, Hippogriff deaths suddenly ain't so bad

Scabbers: *Runs off*

Harry: Er, Ron? Aren't you going to go after him?

Ron: Shh, Hermione's weeping

Hermione: It's OK, I'm done

Ron: You sure, because if you need to cry some more you're welcome to

Hermione: I'm fine

Ron: OK then, better get Scabbers *runs off*

Hermione: Uh oh, Harry. Do you know what tree this is?

Harry: Yeah, it's the tree that killed my broom. Let's get him! *Attacks tree*

Willow: *Easily tosses Harry aside*

Harry: OK, new plan. You attack the tree and I'll wait here

Hermione: C'mon Harry, we have to save Ron

Harry: From what?

Grim: Grrr!

Harry: Oh, that

Grim: *Drags Ron into Willow*

Harry: *Goes flying into hole in Willow*

Hermione: *Flies into hole on top of Harry*

Harry: Ow, that really hurt!

Giant rock: *Flies into hole on top of Harry*

Harry: OW!

Hermione: Where do you suppose this passage goes?

Harry: *Thinking* Please be the girl's change room! Please be the girl's change room!

Hermione: Gosh, we're in the shrieking shack

Harry: Damn!

Hermione: Look, there's Ron!

Harry: Damn!

Ron: No, it's a trap!

Harry: Damn!

Ron: He's the dog! Sirius Black is an animagus!

Harry: Oh please. Next you'll be saying your rat is really the man who betrayed my parents

Lupin: Don't speak too soon, Harry *hugs Sirius*

Hermione: WEREWOLF! WEREWOLF! WEREWOLF!

Harry: Where? Behind Lupin?

Hermione: Lupin _is _the werewolf!

Lupin: How long have you known?

Hermione: Snape dropped several very subtle hints about it

Snape: Speak of the devil, here I am

Harry: EXPELLIARMUS! *Which not only knocks Snape's wand out of his hand but also sends him flying into the wall for some reason*

Sirius: Enough chatter! More splatter!

Lupin: OK, but Harry has a right to know why

Harry: I know why; you betrayed my parents

Lupin: No Harry, someone did betray your parents but it wasn't Sirius

Harry: Who was it?

Sirius: Peter Pettigrew! And he's right over there *points at Ron*

Ron: Me? He's mental

Sirius: No not you, your rat!

Ron: Scabbers has been in my family for…

Sirius: No not your rat, YOU

Ron: Me? He's mental

Sirius: No not you, your rat

Ron: Scabbers has been in my family for…

Sirius: No not your rat, YOU

*6 hours later*

Ron: Dude, what does mine say?

Sirius: Sweet, what does mine say?

Ron: Dude, what does mine say?

Sirius: Sweet! What does mine say?

Ron: Dude! What do-

Harry: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Sirius: Whoops, got a bit off topic. Scabbers is right there *points to Ron*

Ron: Me? He's mental

Sirius: No not-

Lupin: NO! We're not going through all that again. Harry, Scabbers is really Peter Pettigrew in animagus form

Harry: Show me!

Lupin: *Turns Scabbers into Pettigrew*

Ron: Wow, that was cool! Now saw him in half

Sirius: My thoughts exactly

Harry: No, let's take him back to the castle

Hermione: Why do I have the feeling we're going to regret this later?

***

Sirius: I don't know if you know this, Harry, but when you were born James and Lily made me your godfather

Harry: Yeah I know, it's one of few things I've learnt in my time at school that I didn't learn from Hermione

Full moon: Hi, this isn't a bad time is it?

Lupin: *Turns into werewolf*

Sirius: *Turns into dog*

Pettigrew: *Turns into rat*

Snape: *Turns up at yet another inappropriate time*

Lupin and Sirius: *Fight*

Snape: 20 bucks on the newcomer

Ron: You're on!

Harry: *Runs after Lupin to stop him killing Sirius*

Snape: Come back, Potter! I've got money on this fight!

Lupin: *Decides to go after Harry*

Mysterious wolf in distance: Aroooo- Get back Harry, I'm saving your life. Arooooooooo!

Lupin: *Chases after mysterious wolf in distance*

Harry: *Follows Sirius down the hill and next to the lake* Gee, for an injured guy he sure stumbled a long way

Dementor: Gimme your soul!

Harry: Dementors can't talk…

Dementor: Eh, I mean…..grrrrr

Harry: They don't growl either

Dementor: The hell with it, I'm just gonna eat you *starts eating Harry and Sirius' souls*

Magical reindeer: Somebody call for an arse-whooping?

Dementor: Wow, are you a real-life patronus?

Magical reindeer: Why yes I am, now get lost!

Dementor: Anything for a glowing light in the shape of a deer *gets lost*

Harry: *Passes out*

***

*In the hospital*

Harry: I saw my dad!

Hermione: Wow, we had the exact same dream

Harry: No, I mean by the river. My dad saved us from the dementors

Hermione: Sure, whatever. Anyway Harry, Sirius is about to have his soul sucked out. Wanna go watch? Malfoy's gonna be commentating

Dumbledore: I've got a better idea, but I'll be very vague about it. Time is funny, it sure would be great if you could go back in it *wink wink* and save more than one life *wink wink* and take over the world. Wait, scratch that last bit

Harry: Damn! That's the only part I understood

Hermione: Come here, Harry. I know what Dumbledore meant, but I'm going to be very vague about it too

Harry: Are you guys related or something?

Hermione: *Throws chain around Harry and takes them back in time*

Harry: Wah? Bah? Gah?

Hermione: Come on, and we can't be seen *runs through hallways*

Harry: *Follows*

Harry: Wow, that's us!

Hermione: This thing around my neck is a time turner, I've been using it all year to get to classes

Harry: All year? You'd think me and Ron would have noticed what with all the time we spent looking at your chest

Hermione: We've gone back in time; clearly something happened here that Dumbledore wants us to change. Now be quiet, I'm punching Malfoy

Harry: Again? Some people get all the fun

Hermione and Harry: *Follow themselves down to Hagrid's hut where they try to rescue Buckbeak*

Harry: Here we come, hide in those trees over there

Hermione: Is that what my hair looks like from the back?

Harry: You actually care about your appearance? Could this be foreshadowing something that will happen next year where you suddenly shock us all with your beauty at some kind of ball?

Hermione: Don't be stupid

Buckbeak: Hello? Hippogriff in distress over here!

Harry: That's OK, we're com- Hang on, your chain isn't even tied up properly. You could have escaped on your own

Hippogriff: I just wanted you guys to come over, I'm starving

Hermione: Don't worry, I've got a lovely ferret for you

Hippogriff: I hate ferrets, I'm hungry for humans *starts chasing after Harry and Hermione*

Dumbledore: Look, a distraction!

Harry and Hermione: Where?

Dumbledore: No, I'm stalling the minister so you guys can get away

Hermione: Oh OK, come on Buckbeak

Harry: *Still looking* I'm still failing to see anything

Hermione: Harry, come on there's nothing there

Harry: Maybe it's like a magic eye thing how you have to move your head back-and-forth or something

Minister: The beast is gone!

Executioner: To celebrate, pumpkin soup for all *cuts pumpkin*. This is my own secret recipe

***

*Sitting outside the forest*

Harry: I saw my dad, Hermione

Hermione: Didn't we already have this conversation?

Harry: Yeah, but I enjoy telling strange stories about my deceased parents

Hermione: I've noticed

*Lupin, Pettigrew, Sirius, Harry, Ron and Hermione come out of the willow*

Full moon: Hi, this isn't a bad time is it?

Lupin: *Turns into werewolf*

Sirius: *Turns into dog*

Lupin and Sirius: *Fight*

Past Harry: *Chases after Lupin*

Lupin: *Decides to go after Past Harry*

Present Hermione: Aroooo- Get back Harry, I'm saving your life. Arooooooooo!

Present Harry: Wow, thanks for that

Hermione: Thank me after we escape from the werewolf that is now coming to kill us

Harry: Will do *runs*

Buckbeak: *Scares off werewolf*

Harry: Oh, if we'd kept him around long enough he'd probably have given us some chocolate

Hermione: That was really scary. Hold me close, Harry

Harry: Nah, Ron's better at this kind of thing, and he seems to enjoy it a whole lot more. I'm gonna go see my dad

Dementors: *Start sucking Harry and Sirius' souls*

Present Harry: Any minute now…

Harry and Sirius: *Start dying*

Present Harry: Eh, Dad?

Harry and Sirius: *Continue dying*

Present Harry: You're leaving it a little late, dad

Harry and Sirius: *Almost dead*

Present Harry: Oh, for the love of…EXPECTO PATONUM!

Past and Present Mysterious reindeer: *Appears, except you can't see it from this angle*

***

Harry and Hermione: *Fly Buckbeak up to Sirius' tower*

Sirius: Cool, I never got visitors in my other prison

Harry: I bet you also didn't get your choice of three jellies!

Sirius: *Looking delighted* NO! You guys rock!

***

*Courtyard that was previously used as the place where the executioner sharpened his axe and also for one of many arguments between Hermione and Ron over their respective pets*

Sirius: Oh Harry, I know you're disappointed losing the closest thing you've had to a father in twelve years, but I know just what will cheer you up. Have some chocolate!

Harry: Gee, you and Lupin must have been real close

Sirius: Yep. Now before I go, I need to make a quick remark about how similar you are to James. Except for your eyes, you have…

Harry: …my mother's eyes

Sirius: No, I have your mother's eyes *Holds up jar with two eyeballs in it*. See?

Harry: Erm…

Hermione: Come on, the hippogriff is double-parked

Sirius: *Flies away on Buckbeak*

***

*Outside the hospital*

Hermione: Professor, we did it!

Dumbledore: Did what? I don't know anything! No court can convict me! You have no proof I said anything! *Runs away*

Harry and Hermione: *Enter hospital*

Ron: How did you get there? You were just there, and now you're there

Hermione: What's he talking about, Harry?

Harry: Probably about the fact we just traveled back in time

Hermione: SHUT UP!

***

*Lupin's office*

Harry: You've been sacked?

Lupin: Nope, I quit before they had the chance to. Hehe, suckers!

Harry: Wow, I guess we're right back to the start. Sirius is gone, you're leaving, my broomstick is destroyed and I'm still haunted by my parents

Lupin: Yeah, sucks to be you. Have some chocolate

***

Harry: Gee, what a confusing year. I still don't understand about my parents' death, how Lupin knew about my map, why my patronus looks like a reindeer and where Voldemort was all year. I wish Dumbledore was here to explain everything to me

Ron: No Dumbledore, but you've been sent a new broom

Harry: Good enough *flies off*

**THE END**


End file.
